People have always told me that I led a rather peculiar childhood.
When I was younger, I thought that babies came out from the asshole.
I used to overhear my mom and her friends speaking about how painful and hard childbirth was and I would think
"Such divas. I shit all the time, I got this. I could give birth to 10 kids even"
Sometimes,while I was taking a shit, I would to think to myself
"If I push hard enough, I bet a baby would come out"
"And when the baby does finally come out, I'll prove to mom and all her friends that giving birth is in fact as easy as shitting"
"That will show them what a BIG GIRL I am"
If mom had to use the toilet and was in for really long I would wait outside the toilet thinking
"Am I a big sister now?"
On days when it took a little more effort to take a dump and I would stay on the toilet pushing for what seemed to be hours, I told myself,
"This must be what contractions feel like. "
"That could have been a boy or a girl"
"I could have been a mom!"
Imagine my frustration every time I stared down at my "creation" and didn't see a baby.
I must have been a very angry child.
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